Sunday, December 25, 2011

Holiday Blues

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQDHIN-Qjkk

The more sophisticated way to put it is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). That nice doctor on YouTube just convinced me it could be life-threatening.

I wonder how many people are sitting at home alone like me on the Christmas day. Not many, I hope. Most people would rather meet their friends and have a drink in the pub, even if they are not with their family.

But Christmas means nothing to me. First of all, I am not a Christian. And second, I am used to be alone at Christmas anyway. Being immune to Christmas also gives me the advantage and distance to observe other’s holiday blues.

I had another marriage proposal this morning, and dispensed my free advice to a friend who is lovesick and another friend who is sick of love. I refused the proposal as gently as I could, told the first friend to propose to his girlfriend immediately and the second one to break up with his as soon as possible and move on.

So after a phone call from Australia, some Facebook messaging with the first friend in the States, and a Skype chat with the second friend in Italy, I marveled at how the holiday affected people.

We all need love, but why especially in this season? I know they are all with their family now. Isn’t that enough? Or is it exactly because they are with their family?

When they watch their brothers smiling tenderly at their sister-in-laws, when they see their nieces and nephews running around giggling, or when they realize their aging parents are getting even grayer now and will be gone one day, do they then suddenly feel truly and utterly alone?

I suppose it’s too late to wish them Merry Christmas this year. So instead, I wish they could soon find that special someone to have every happy Christmas with, or I shall start charging them for my advice!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Shiny Happy People

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s&ob=av3e

It was a pleasant surprise last night that I managed to grab the last table at Faro Shiseido in Ginza. Now being the Christmas season in Tokyo, many people find it harder to get fed than to get laid.

The place is festively decorated with shinning happy people, including guests, waiters (hey did you see any waitresses there? I didn’t,) and French sommeliers.

I was given a discrete menu without any prices listed, so I decided to leave the ordering to the capable hands of my dinner companion. I couldn’t pronounce half of the stuff on the menu anyway. So there would have been no way for me to pretend to be pretentious, even if I had set my mind to.

After the wine was presented, admired, decanted, breathed, poured, tasted, and approved, I almost died from thirst, although I must say it was an excellent choice, and went right to my head through my empty stomach.

And then the dinner course started. The food kept coming, at one point I thought it would never stop. Everything was fantastic, salmon mousse, foie gras, grilled fish, steak fillet, pasta with black truffle sauce, oyster and spinach risotto, etc etc. Even my companion who has the pickiest tongue I know had to agree it was good, albeit reluctantly.

I successfully persuaded him to break the rule (that seems to be my role with anybody…) and share our food, which unfortunately earned us a lesson from one of the concerned sommeliers. But look, I really don’t mind making my taste buds totally confused, they are happy enough, thank you very much!

Although I love bread, I tried my best to stay away from many kinds of the delicious looking bread they offered. But even without the bread, I was stuffed. So I began to take pictures, which somehow helped my digestion.

When the dessert trolley came, miraculously my appetite returned. I treat deserts with reverence, I do. So no surprise it was the highlight of my evening. I probably had about 20 different kinds of sweets. Cake, tart, pie, cookie, candy, pudding, chocolate truffle, etc... you name it.

Of course it was a feast. But what made it wonderful was being with someone special. It was one of the best dinners I’ve ever had. Thank you, my friend.

Faro website: http://faro.shiseido.co.jp/restaurant/

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Happy Birthday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztoSUhbNntQ&feature=related

What do people feel on their birthdays, I often wonder? We always wish people a happy birthday. Is it because we know they will be sad? And is it also why we give them presents? 'Hey, I understand it's your birthday, but look, here is something to cheer you up!'
I have never felt overjoyed on my birthday, as far as I can remember. On the contrary, I always get quite worried because now I have less time for all my ambitions. So I see no reasons to celebrate. even though I do enjoy the present part.

But I don’t feel depressed on my birthday either. I treat everyday like my birthday, working hard to spoil myself rotten. And over the years of practice, I excel at it.

Birthday cake is something else though. I love all sweets, so I can tolerate any birthday if there is a cake. But I can’t really say I believe in birthday wishes. I used to make only one wish: I wish all my wishes come true!

Having said that, I do have a wish for my birthday this year, and every year in fact. And this is not only for me, but also for you. I wish we all get to be with someone we love on our birthday. That's what makes birthday really special.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Flirting With Disaster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhhtRxqSrys

Of course I know I could be frightfully outspoken sometimes. Even I am scared of myself. I can never predict what I will say next.

When I have an interview, I always make the poor interviewer nervous, although I am never quite sure which he finds more distracting, my sharp tongue or my shapely legs.

Once my lunch date asked me annoyingly, “Don’t you know I am well-respected in my business here?”  Hmmmm, let me think, well, no sir, I don’t, and I am not doing any business with you anyway.

I have met my fair share of alpha males, and they all demand to be treated with special care. But honestly, is it not enough to be the prime madonna in the office? Would they say to their partners, “Honey, make love to me with respect, and stop teasing me about my thinning hair. I am a very important businessman, you know?”

If by whatever chance, I happen to be standing right next to the Emperor at a party, I would probably make him either laugh out loud with mirth or scream for the guards in 3 minutes. And I never know which will be the case. So you see, I’ve got a very good reason to be fearful for my fearless tongue.

But believe me, I am actually making an effort to be good. So next time when you read one of my highly inappropriate remarks, politically incorrect jokes or religiously offensive comments, please remember I have officially announced my disclaimer here now.

Sorry, have I said something wrong now? I do apologize!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Johnny Is Hot

(The song is currently being composed…)

I met a guy on the world wide web

He’s smart, a hunk

He’s never drunk

Everyday we chat, we email

We are soul mates for real

We both had partners from hell

But finally our love prevails



Johnny is hot

Johnny is hot hot hot



We are going to meet next week

Oh my God, what if he limps
What if he stinks

What if I think

He is a freak

Oh so what
Johnny is hot
Johnny is hot hot hot

Monday, December 12, 2011

Alright, Okay, You Win

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTkpjdHC6SA

One thing Japanese don't do is confrontation. That's why you always hear them saying sorry. I am not joking, they even apologize for their thoughts. So having been here for years, naturally I am now also extremely reluctant to confront. Or maybe I am just getting lazy...


When I am not sure, I usually wait for more data to process. And even if I am 99% sure, I still tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I am not afraid of confrontation when it has to be done.

If we always avoid confrontation by saying sorry, things will appear ok in the short term, but there will never be any improvement in the relationship. The other day, a friend posted a comment on Facebook:

“Apologizing does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.”

Of course it’s a sound piece of advice. But I’ve heard this too many times before, "I am very sorry for hurting you." I used to fall for this at first, until one day I realized it actually implied, “But I am not sorry for what I did.”

You see, they say sorry although they believe they haven’t done anything wrong, and then they do it again until you finally either get used to it or give up the relationship. It’s classic manipulation.

I believe confrontation has nothing to do with proving the points or arguing who's right and who's wrong. Saying sorry seems to be a good idea to avoid an immediate fight while both parties are still hotheaded. But for the long term, it might be a better approach to be honest, open, and find the middle ground together.

Yesterday another friend also posted something on FB which I found inspiring. We talked about how men hunt and women fish, but he thinks it’s not the hunting or fishing which matters. It's all about cooking, in his opinion, because after the hunting and fishing, a couple has to learn how to cook together and that's what binds them. I think he is absolutely right.

And the first cooking lesson any couple has to learn is how to agree to disagree, because you can never find 2 people who think exactly the same way or like exactly the same things. Fights are not necessarily  bad. A good fight makes you feel closer to each other even without the makeup sex!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I Don’t Wanna Get Over You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVtY8ZEj7Zw

I have learned to block painful memories, like every sensible person should. So now we all carry this emotional volcano with us wherever we go. Psychiatrists encourage us to understand our history of misery and rationalize. But I think they should just teach us how to block, bury, and blank it all out. Eventually that part of our past will be forgotten.

It's like cancer, there’s nothing to analyze. Granted, we cannot have our volcano surgically removed, but at least we can kill the volcano and make it a dead one. Well, I've learned a few tricks over the years, especially in the department of heartbreaks:

-- Rule number 1, stop listening to songs like “I Don’t Wanna Get Over You.”
-- Cry as much as you like, but ignore you have a brain. Do not think. Just feel the pain.
-- Delete all her photos, and remove her from all your contact lists, Skype, Facebook, mobile phones, email accounts, whatever you’ve got, so that you don’t call/write to her “by mistake.”
-- Eliminate all the stuff associated with her. Throw away her shoes for God's sake!
-- Establish new routines in your life. Avoid all the restaurants, pubs, museums, and shops you used to go together, and find other interesting places. And if you live in a village, you can always stay home and begin your Internet dating career.
-- Transform yourself. Assume a new identity and be a different person, i.e., start a band and become a rock star.
-- Find someone to hang out with or play with but always remember it's only for the transition period. Don't get too involved immediately, because you are not ready, and there is no excuse to hurt anyone just because you are hurting inside.
-- Move countries, if all the above fails. Take myself for example, Japan is my 4th country.

See, it’s not that hard really. You can do it, too!

Friday, December 9, 2011

It’s OK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGe3GFWEO2I

I’ve been watching a lot of old movies lately, since I sprained my ankle about a month ago. So now finally everything about me is slightly twisted, I suppose. Anyway, the movie I just finished is “Pretty Woman,” a fairy tale about a prostitute who meets her prince.

I believe most girls have carefully watched this movie more than once, but do you remember what happens at the very end on the staircase? He goes, “So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?” And she replies, “She rescues him right back.” See, we are all deeply scarred now. Everyone needs to be rescued.

And do you remember the music? Well, it’s from the opera they watch earlier in the movie, La Traviata, another story about a prostitute who meets her prince but is forced to leave him because his dad doesn’t approve, which is of course quite different from the happy ending of the movie, in which his dad is conveniently dead already and can’t possibly be there to disapprove physically.

But why do we feel the need to marry someone who meets our parents’ and/or children’s approval? Aren’t we all grown up enough to decide for ourselves? Women have watched all the chick flicks to learn everything there is to know about love, and men have all watched enough porn to learn everything there is to know about sex. We are all well prepared. Do we really need any one’s approval?

Parents and children all leave us sooner or later. And friends are either already in a relationship or in the pursuit of one. Anyway I believe if they love us, they will be glad to see us happy, no matter whom we choose to love.

I have never chosen my partner to please anyone else but myself, because only I know what I really want and only I can feel how I feel.

Hmmm, I think I should skype my psychiatrist friend now.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My House

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rtuQf9TwwI

We all get attached to something. Even monks have their favorite hugging pillows too.

I often find myself hopelessly attached to people, rather than things. But I don't get attached to places usually. I think that's why I keep wandering from country to country. 

Having said that, I think I have certainly developed a strong feeling towards my flat. It's much more than fondness, in fact, it's alarmingly closer to possessiveness. I am having a hard time selling it or even renting it out. I just can't imagine someone else cooking anything in my lovely kitchen.

You see, it’s like when you raise a puppy. I designed the floor plan and decorated the flat myself, from the switches, curtains, wallpaper, toilet to bathroom unit.

It's also very sunny and quiet, even though it's right in the center of Tokyo, with 7 convenience stores, 5 supermarkets, banks, post office, many restaurants, pubs, and shops, all in 2 minutes' walking distance. And most of all, it’s got loads of closet space for all my black dresses, leather jackets, mini-skirts, high-heels, and other junk.

But it’s not only my flat, I know I am also seriously attached to Tokyo. Being Asian myself, I am camouflaged nicely here, and I feel safely anonymous, while I always feel like an exotic bird among a herd of giraffes in most other countries I go to.

Hmmmm, it’s going to be tough to leave.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I Didn’t Do It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4_H65XoykY

Cheating is an art, if you don't get caught, that is. Sadly, most people do get caught.

I understand that for some people, they need the ego boost for their lower than average self-esteem. What puzzles me is how they could be so arrogant to assume they won't get caught. Or do they also have lower than average IQ?

Their partners are probably just too wise to discover the game they are playing. Many women know their husbands are cheating on them, but they simply decide to turn a blind eye to it because they prefer having a cheating husband to having no husband at all. But sooner or later, the shit will hit the fan and nobody can pretend anymore. That’s when the real war begins.

So a clever man doesn’t cheat. He flirts. His motto is, “Get your appetite outside, but eat at home.” He never misses an opportunity checking out the babes in the pub (for the appetite), or talking to the hot chicks at the restaurant (for fanning the appetite), even when you are sitting right next to him.

He can hang out with his best friend who happens to be a gorgeous single girl, in fact, they text and talk to each other every day. But do not panic, they have known each other for years and although they do everything together, they have never actually hooked up (yet).

Oh but of course you have your pathetic suspicion. You can tell something is going on from the way they baby talk to each other, the shifty eyes when he talks about her, and the playful tone he reserves for her that is definitely not there when he talks to his mother.

But if you confront him, you will then most certainly be labeled insanely jealous. Honey, it's all just in your imagination, because look, they have never done the deed and they are not doing it now. There is no smoking gun, so to speak. So what can you do???

They are the true artists of cheating. It's emotional cheating.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Down With Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYE-gSTwB20

This is the second cold I caught in 2 months. The fist one was totally unavoidable. After talking with many sick students for weeks, I finally gave up the fight and joined everybody else in town. But the second one was rather unforgivable. I just didn’t wear warm enough clothes when I was out the other day. Well, the price I pay to look hot is this cold!

So now I am officially sick again. Following the same routine, I ran to the doctor, grabbed my antibiotics, and promptly announced it to anyone who cared to listen. And then I made myself a cup of steaming ginger tea with lots of honey, turned on the heater, carefully wrapped myself up with layers and layers of blankets, put a box of tissue right in front of me, dug out Strauss from the pile of CD grave, and now I am ready for some serious self-pity (although waltz made it quite difficult.)

The weather is even perfect for being sick, cold, gray and wet. A friend just informed us on FB that he’s sick too. And he thinks the best part of being sick is getting over it. Of course he is right, but look at the bright side, going down with a cold is definitely not as deadly as going down with love.

And it’s the only time we don’t need any excuse to spoil ourselves. Plus you can commiserate with your sick friends too, discussing your symptoms and updating your status with each other.

Hmmm, now since I am too sick to make myself some chicken soup, I shall go and get some from that soupstock place then. Uhhhhh, the apple pie from the bakery next door is very yummy too. What else? Oh yes, chocolate! Sick people can eat as much chocolate as we like and never put on weight, don’t you know?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Santa Baby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=fvwp&v=rXspgPH70BA

With Christmas coming, Tokyo is throbbing with lonely hearts. It’s a city with a mission now, to find someone to be with just in time for Christmas.

I am not kidding. There are suddenly lots of parties for singles because Christmas in Japan is for couples, not family. So now all the single people here are trying everything they can to get lucky for the big date on Christmas Eve, to pay an outrageous amount of yen for Christmas dinner, exchange expensive gifts, and stay at an over-priced hotel room for the romantic night.

One Japanese friend told me he used to hide in his darkened dormitory room on Christmas Eve, so that his mates thought he was out on a date. And now he is dreading the day his now teenage daughter has to stay home without a date, feeling ashamed and unloved like he did many years ago.

Traditionally, Japanese have this arranged marriage thing called "omiai", which is one on one, although both sets of parents, matchmakers and possibly other strangers also get to witness the beginning of their first date. But after about half an hour’s introduction of family history, the couple to-be-or-not-to-be is usually left alone to chat away about the weather or hobbies.

Japanese also have group omiai called "gokon", when a man and a woman bring 2 or 3 friends each and have dinner together, without any spectators. But omiai often produces no results. So many people join the dating clubs nowadays and conduct their hunting activity (konkatsu) there. But I heard they could be quite pricy, especially if you want to marry a doctor or lawyer.

But now with less than a month to go, many desperate single men have resorted to "nanpa", picking up girls randomly at pubs or on the street.

Oh well, it all depends on how much effort, time and money you are willing to invest on a romantic evening enjoying Tokyo’s dream-like Christmas illumination with someone you barely feel connected with.

For me, I will probably stay home again this year and watch an old movie alone. Or, on second thought, I could invite some friends over and party till dawn just for a change. And you? Wanna join us?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

You Couldn’t Be Cuter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13AKsl7ZZoc

Tokyo Motor Show is on now. Many people, OK I mean men, are there this very moment to see the cars and the babes. But seriously, I can never understand this. Look, give me your yellow Ferrari, and I will be your mid-life crisis!

One thing most guys don’t know is sports cars have ceased to be babe-magnets long ago. When women spot them now, we think Viagra. And the only attention they actually attract is from fellow men going through the same crisis. Hmmmm, it would be a bit confusing, but I am sure everything will work itself out.

And to make it even more interesting, mid-life crisis is not only for men anymore. More and more women start to feel it too. While a man’s mid-life crisis is said to be all about recovering his lost youth, a woman’s seems to be discovering her greatness. Personally I believe it’s just an excuse for having fun.

Traditionally people at certain age have fun by having affairs. And thanks to the Internet, you don’t have to wait for 7 years to have the itch now. You can have your mid-life crisis anytime you like, although nowadays you probably can’t afford to pay the bill from your divorce lawyer, even after you sell your yellow Ferrari.

So unless you are a divorce lawyer yourself, I suppose it’s not exactly ideal to have an affair. Plus, it’s so clichĆ©d! I think what we need to do is to plan our mid-life crisis carefully, and be ready when it hits us one day. Develop a new hobby like belly dance or God, go and climb Mount Fuji every weekend, or start writing that novel you always promise you will one day, whatever makes you tick.

Hey, I can’t wait for my mid-life crisis to come!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I Can’t Stop Talking About Him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP0SHq5bTrI

How do you know if he is "the one", or a one-night stand? When do you tell yourself, yes, that's the one? When you first meet him, when you finally lose him, or somewhere in between?

I never know now. In fact, if I even start asking myself if he is the one, I am certain I will never love again, because I would be too busy finding all the reasons why he is not. And the more perfect he seems, the busier I get. I think they call it self-defense mechanism.

Of course the opposite can happen too. Many people now ask the question, "What did I ever see in that piece of work? So if the one you once believed to be the love of your life could turn into a real bitch or bastard, how could you ever trust your own judgment now?

My theory is, hmmmm, you are right, I quite possibly have a theory on everything, but hey, do you want to hear it or not?

Ok, my theory is we can all have many "the ones" in our lives. The one we had a crush on when we were in high school, the one we fell head over heels with after we landed our first job, or the one we spent the best of our past 2 years with. Mistakes or not, they lit up our lives however short the journey we shared was, became part of us, and made who we are now. 

But since I don't really fancy another mistake, I think now what I am going to do is insisting on not dating anyone I instinctively know is definitely not “the one,” no matter how much he cries or begs.

And if I meet someone who is my last thought every night and my first every morning, someone I can’t stop talking about during the day, then I will know he is “the one.”

Friday, December 2, 2011

Play The Game

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_5O-nUiZ_0

I know it's men's instinct to hunt and women's duty to run. But I still have doubts.

“Treat them mean, keep them keen" is one of the golden rules in the book The Rules, although many mothers have been passing this ancient wisdom to their daughters, generations after generations.

Well, my mum did. She always says men don't cherish anything if it comes too easy. But apparently I have never learned. I still don't know how to play hard to get. Honestly, I totally suck at this game.

Anyway I don’t have to play hard to get, because I am naturally so. I trust people very easily, but I don’t give my heart away without struggle.

On the other hand, I also don't know how to chase a man. In fact, I've never chased any, although I might’ve encouraged some just to see what would happen next, but only when I really liked them of course.

Men chase, and women let them. I suppose that’s how it works. I am not sure what it would be like if you reversed the roles. A friend told me his wife is still complaining today that she had to be the one who popped the question 20 years ago. So does he now feel forever trapped and she never quite satisfied?

I don’t know. And I am also wondering if my mum is right, are there no men out there intelligent enough to cherish a woman who they might for whatever reason consider “easy to get”? Or do women really have to play the game?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cry Baby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So9ukd-VKdk

I am forever attracted to strong men who are strong enough to face their own emotions head on and, cry. They can cry after they watch Marley& Me, or when they talk about their first love, whatever, I don’t mind at all. In fact, I’ll probably join in anyway, although I am afraid I will have to draw the line if they cry when their favorite porn star dies.

You see, I have this theory about men without tears. They have an inferiority complex so enormous that they have to try to appear tough all the time. So one day they simply can’t cry anymore, and that’s when a cheating husband or a serial killer is born.

Having said that, I can’t stand men who are always in tears either. I am not their mother for God’s sake. But it seems many modern men have discovered tears are their best weapon too and are not ashamed to use it, although aesthetically speaking, I believe women can pull it off better.

Really, how can you just sit there and watch teardrops rolling down from those big soft brown eyes of a beautiful woman, when she is clearly distraught and needs your hug?

So I am 100% for tears. And compared with men without tears, cry babies are much safer anyway. When a man tells me that he never cries, I would run as fast as I can, because if he can’t feel for himself, he won’t be able to feel for anyone else.

Let’s all cry together!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Marry You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMr9zCvtOfY

I have lost count of how many times I have been proposed to, but as far as I can remember, only 2 gentlemen had the ring ready at the time of the proposal. 

You see, I don't really understand how a man can even propose without a ring. If he thinks she isn't worth the risk of buying a proper ring, how can she risk saying yes to spending the rest of her life with him?

And if he only proposes on impulse, does he also expect her to say yes on impulse? What’s next then, divorce on impulse?

“Darling, it’s sunny today, shall we just go and tie the knot?” or “Honey, it’s absolutely pouring outside, perfect day for a divorce, don’t you think?”

I had some Skype proposals from guys I had never met before. Oh no I know exactly what you are thinking now. But I tell you, they were dead serious, they truly believed they were in love, even though love and marriage are 2 different things.

And girls, be careful when a man says, "Would you let me take care of you forever?" He is married, trust me. I almost fell for that once.

Many men seem to believe women prefer the big gestures when it comes to propose. But personally I like it simple, in fact, I like everything simple, understated, but from the heart.

OK, I admit I am old-fashioned, which also brings me to my final point: I don’t think women should propose. It’s men’s job, in my opinion. But of course there are always exceptions. With more and more herbivore men in Japan, I am sure women will have to adapt. The question now is, should women propose with a ring too?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Double Dare You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmwjHGfTcF4&feature=related

I have used my blogs to scare many people away, although I am definitely not the same woman who tried to take her own life 2 years ago after her divorce. In fact, I am not even the same woman who started blogging half a year ago either.

Of course I would like to believe that somewhere someone would love me the way I want to be loved one day, and most importantly, I can love him the way he wants to be loved too.

But I also believe the word "love" is over used and abused, and the concept of "love" is overrated. It takes much more than love to make a relationship work. The other 2 main ingredients are respect and commitment.

One of my exes, oh yeah the one who studied Vogue, called my writing “housewives’ entertainment,” and he meant it as a compliment, God bless him. The only other good thing he could say about me was “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Luckily I am still not completely convinced that my blogs are only slightly better than yesterday’s newspaper or my beauty is something to be reverend.

Commitment is probably even trickier. The average life span for a ”serious long-term” relationship now is 3-5 years. Everybody is divorced, heartbroken, scared and scarred. But hey don’t worry, with the internet, you can find the next partner in a week, as long as you are not too picky. And look, you shouldn’t bother to choose too carefully anyway, because even in the worst scenario that you fall head over heels with someone, oh pardon me, “the one”, you will have another go in 3-5 years!

And since I have a real problem with commitment, I shall just stay out and observe for now. Because when I am in, I always fight tooth and nail to stay in for life, “for better or for worse,” “till death do us part” and all that.

So now if I can’t have it all, love, respect and commitment, I don’t want any.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1l3JbBRpA8

Autumn comes late to Tokyo this year. I had a lovely afternoon the other day looking at the still stubbornly green leaves of Ginko trees at Omotesando. It was a gorgeous autumn day, and I had a wonderful time walking around in the warm sun, having bizarrely sweet Thai green curry at the food fair, then sitting at an outdoor cafe and enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend.

What else can a girl want? I am truly grateful. I don't need much to be happy. Having a day like that once in a while is enough to make me feel content and at peace.

Right, I am not jumping up and down with ecstasy, but how do you define happiness anyway? Many people believe security can bring happiness, especially financial security. But when they are busy securing their future, they can easily forget to live now.

Others believe freedom can give them happiness. But I wonder why they feel imprisoned now. And I also wonder if the total freedom is nothing but a blessing in disguise.

Many women have the fantasy that love will bring them happiness. But believe me, love is a double-edged sword. When love is your only source of happiness, it can also cut you deep when you lose it.

What makes me happy now is the small things in life. I have learned not to ask too much, and simply appreciate what I have now. Of course I knew the leaves the other day hadn’t reached their prime golden stage yet. But I was happy nonetheless, because the half green, half yellow leaves were just as spectacular. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Just Friends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzlzI3BnoGw

I just watched “When Harry Met Sally” for the nth time, and the whole debate of “can men and women be friends” still gets to me. It’s probably purely biological, but somehow it’s easier for women to resist ripping off their male friends’ clothes. So I suppose my answer is yes, most women can be friends with men. At least I can.

OK but what if he resembles George Clooney? Hmmmm, tough one here. Fine, I might get distracted at the beginning, but I am sure I can still keep my hands firmly to myself (until told otherwise.)

How about guys then? In the movie, Harry said men can only be friends with unattractive women. And if that’s true, I am not even sure if I want to be considered just a friend by any men now. But really, what’s on a man’s mind when he is with this “ female friend” who happens to be very hot and also very single?  Well I actually asked some of my male friends. Here is what I found out:

One of them told me he just got used to her looks and all the sexual tension between them, if ever existed at all (he was lying about the "at all" part, I am positive), was gone years ago. So now they are “just friends.”

Another friend told me there is this line between friends and girlfriends. He can flirt all he likes, but once he crosses the line and finds himself in bed with her, that’s it, they can never be friends anymore.

But I remember this older friend who told me many of his females friends are actually his ex-girlfriends, although I also know he enjoys dwelling on the past and as a result, suffers from chronic depression.

So now I’m all confused. What’s the definition of friendship anyway? If you are not doing it, are you then “just friends” by default? I don’t know the answer to that. But one thing I am sure, if you have to talk to someone for hours every day, yes, I mean every day, you are more than “just friends,” even if you are not in the same continent.

In fact, that’s what I always want from my dream man. That level of attachment and the need to stay connected. You are not afraid to depend on each other emotionally, because you know you will always be there for each other. You have the commitment no marriage vows can compete with.

If I ever find someone like that, I will be his forever. Friend, just friend, friend with benefit, girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever you call it!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Gambler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn481KcjvMo

In general I hate taking risks. I also hate confrontations and decision-making. So for me it’s always a torture when I have to decide whether or not to take the plunge into another relationship. But it’s even harder to decide when to fold.

The problem is the timing. When do we admit defeat? When do we decide there's nothing left to say and the best is to walk away for the last time and never look back ever again?

Many of us have the experience of an on/off relationship when we break up with the same person countless times, but always end up getting back together and then arrghhhh, another debacle of ending it all in tears.

How many times can we bear it? And not only us, it’s also unbearable for our poor friends. We leave half of them frustrated, and the other half fascinated. They never know what to say anymore, because the prince(ss) might suddenly turn into the rascal again, and vise versa.

One of my wise friends pointed out that it’s in our nature to hold onto what we value and cherish because people like us don’t fall easily. And once we do, we don’t let go easily. We simply can’t. We have no choice.

My first marriage ended after 7 years of me waiting for his family to accept me and allow us to live together openly. My second marriage last 10 years and during which I tried everything I could to come to terms with the fact that I was stuck with a cheating lying loser.

Another young ex-friend compared my having 2 divorces with killing 2 puppies, although the only thing I tried to kill is myself. Well, I hope he will never have to kill any puppies, but I suspect a puppy might kill him first anyway.

But the worst part is, I have this bad habit of analyzing everything, especially myself. So even when I finally decide to let go, I always have to ask myself about 1,000 times if I’ve given up too easily. And I also need to find the answer to why things didn’t work. I torture myself with all possible explanations, and then I turn around and torture my friends with the result of my analysis.

So thank you, my dear friends, for bearing with me (so far)!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Show Off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh3WkynV7QQ&feature=related

OK, I admit I am an exhibitionist, albeit a shy one. I like to pose for cameras, but I also enjoy staying behind lens. Honestly, I perform to please or tease, never to show off. :)

And I select my audience, usually just my FB friends. All my photographer friends will testify how much I guard my images. In fact, they think it's absurd why I even allow any pics taken in the first place.

Teachers are all closet exhibitionists anyway, although the longer I teach, the deeper I go hiding in my closet. Now I either encourage my students to come out from their own or try to convert them into exhibitionists as well.

But sometimes monsters are created as a result. I often have to listen to confessions, usually accompanied with lots of tears. So I always keep a box of tissue in my classroom. And now I am thinking about buying a couch too.

Many language teachers have probably also noticed that people tend to be much more open and direct when they speak a foreign language, because they don't have time to choose their words.

I suggest all psychiatrists make their patients use a foreign language during the session. Oh and get the tissue ready, lots of it if you can.

Let’s all lose the fear to exhibit our feelings. It’s healthier that way, I think.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Voice Within

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2k79EGHbc

I love deep, rich, and husky voices, but not too deep because it becomes scary, not too rich because it sounds fakey, and not too husky because then it gets scratchy.

Voice can be sweet, sexy, intelligent, confident, gentle, kind, melodious, and lilting; it can also be sad, wary, guarded, hushed, piercing, thundering, nasal and whiny.

Once a voice actor friend told me that we can hear many things in people’s voices, but I think we can also discover a lot from the way people talk.

I absolutely hate whisperers and mumblers. After politely asking them several times to repeat what they just said, I would usually have to give up and just smile and nod at whatever they say. I am not their psychiatrist or teacher.

But I also distaste those who are in love with their own voices. Given the chance, they would keep talking for hours without you uttering one word in reply. You might as well start planning your next holiday while they are busy loving their voices.

Some people speak faster when they are nervous. I used to speak fast too, until I found it was like verbal diarrhea. On the other hand, I also can’t stand listening to people choosing every word careful. I often can’t help listing up some options for them.

Of course there are many other factors too, like tones and intonations, words and pause, etc, although sometimes what’s not said is actually more important than what’s said. And whatever our voices are like and however we use them, the bottom line is communication. It's how we resonate with one another.

If we are lucky to find a voice we love to hear saying good morning and good night to us every day, then we will probably find comfortable silence too, which could be even more beautiful than any words. But even if we can’t find any voice that make us feel the way we want to feel, we can always look inside ourselves and trust that the voice within will guide us to brighter days, if we just learn to listen.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I Want A Love I Can See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOXdAOPp3uY

Long distance relationships are just not my thing. I suppose people can get used to anything if they apply themselves. But the only long distance relationship I would even consider is with God.

It’s probably true that the success rate has significantly increased since the internet. Now we have Skype, Messenger, emails, mobile phones, etc. We can see and talk to our cyber partners anytime we want.

But is it enough to maintain a real relationship? Well I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual personality and expectation. One thing though, you will have to compromise on intimacy for sure. No matter how hard you try, it won’t be the same! :)

As far as I am concerned, video chats and phone calls are for family only, since I don't have this urge to hug or smell my mother.

But I need my man right beside me, not on my computer screen. So I can whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love to stay in his arms.

I want a love I can touch!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Objection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N7laeCd-aM&feature=related

I know some women don't mind, but I’ve had enough of husband sharing, mine or others’, even though I think I am quite generous.

Unknowingly I shared my husband with many other women before, and I tell you, it is not really my idea of fun. So I imagine other women would hate to share theirs too.

Even if the men are separated or in the process of divorce, they are simply not ready for any serious commitments. They are in no position to offer anyone the emotional security we usually expect from a stable relationship.

Many men resist the idea of divorce due to the fear of losing the children or the house, and they put off the divorce indefinitely because they don't feel the need to, they believe they will never marry again. So why bother?

And even if they are in the process of divorce, it’s still unfair to spread their anxiety and stress to anyone else, especially the person they think they are now in love with.

But with or without the intent to divorce, all of them are not ready both legally and emotionally. It doesn’t matter how many years they have been considering themselves divorced already. They are just NOT free to date again, even if they think they are.

Believe me, I've been there too. It's completely different. I was overwhelmed with the freedom I felt when I actually had my divorces finalized.

"Divorced" is not what you believe or how you feel, it’s a piece of legal paper. And it doesn't just happen even if you have successfully convinced yourself.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Love Me Tender



How do you decide if you would allow yourself to fall in love again? We all carry such huge emotional baggage. Sometimes I wonder how on earth we all seem to be still functioning in our daily lives. (And look, the more eagerly you try to deny having any emotional baggage, the bigger it is.)

But yes, I would love to love again, despite all the heartbreaks and tears I had. You might think I am either inspiringly brave or exceptionally stupid, but I don’t care. I believe we are all born to learn to love and be loved.

And I will listen to my instinct this time. I will not simply follow my heart and fall in love again only because I so want to.

I will not choose a guy who loves me for my high-heels or my degrees. The men in love with my looks will eventually find a younger model and move on, and the men in love with my degrees will need to work on their self-esteem.

I don’t want to be loved for my personality either, because I am not that nice anyway and besides, it’s become an insult when we describe anyone as “nice.” I don’t need to be loved for my mind either, even if it can seem to be sound sometimes. I need the occasional freedom to be the crazy one in the relationship.

And please don’t love me because of my heart, even though it’s probably still in the right place and have this stubborn tendency to ignore people’s imperfections. I will not take on another charity case again (I shall go to an animal shelter instead when things get desperate.)

I want a man who loves me for my soul, who allows me to fly but also completes me, who makes me feel passion in his embrace and find home in his eyes.

And together we will set each other free, free from all the sorrow, regret, hurt, horror and anger in our past. And we can feel again then, without fear or doubt, like 2 newborns.

Eyes Like Yours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBzA7gf8F6E

The first thing I see in a guy is his eyes. All right, I lied. It’s the second thing, after I check his build.

You can see a lot in people’s eyes, soul and all. But the most beautiful eyes are babies', because there is no anger, sadness, greed, or any emotional crap there, yet.

That’s why staring deeply into someone’s eyes can be a really scary trip. You might find something extremely unsavory or sometimes, very rarely in fact, something unexpectedly pure and clear.

It can be quite daunting too because you could stumble upon a kindred spirit, strike a chord and suddenly both of you burst into tears, which happened to me once or twice before. They could be your soul mates, even if not life partners.

The safest way is to look but not really look, if you know what I mean. In other words, just switch your eyes off.

But if you are brave enough to make a real connection, keep looking and one day you will probably find something so beautiful that you won’t be able to take your eyes off ever again. One thing though, you might need a pair of penetrating eyes sometimes, because clever people guard their heart and soul, and eyes!

Although I am certainly not clever and I’ve got nothing to guard, I usually try to be extra careful because I have been accused of possessing this absurd “eye power” quite a few times before. And I would hate to make people cry every time I look at them.  So before I go out, I always remember to turn my eyes off, along with all the lights at home.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Love Me Like A Man


I am sure you’ve heard of the term “passive aggressive”. But I bet not many of us have actually looked it up, until the day we suspect we ought to.

According to what I’ve learned on-line and what I personally experienced, passive aggressive behavior is a form of emotional abuse. It’s so subtle that most of us are not even aware of it. People with this problem are masters of disguising their emotional abuse with other actions that appear to be loving and caring.

They are unable to voice their anger, so they repress it but then stick it to you underhandedly by:

(1)       Ambiguity: they don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say. It’s their way to make you feel insecure and also to mask their own insecurities.
(2)        Forgetting: they forget your birthday or anything important to you, as a means of punishment.
(3)        Blaming: they have no faults. It’s always your faults because they are unable to look internally and examine their shortcomings.
(4)        Being difficult and stubborn: it’s extremely important to them that you never get your way. They resent your demand and will make sure you don’t get what you want. They punish you by withholding favor. And they never follow through on agreements and promises.
(5)        Being late: they believe deadlines are for others, but not for them. They do things at their own pace and don’t give a damn about what others think. They are chronically late for everything, work, dates, etc, in order to exert control. They often have issue with authorities.
(6)        Victimization: they feel they are always misunderstood, unappreciated and treated unfairly. They wear their past misfortune like a badge and demand sympathy.
(7)        Fear of Dependency: they resent the fact that they need you, so they try to control you.
(8)        Objectifying: they see you as an object, instead of a person with needs and feelings. They care for you like their favorite hi-fi speakers.

The sad thing is, they truly want to connect with you emotionally, but they cannot form any serious long-term relationships due to their fear of emotional attachment. Their only hope is to find someone either very stupid or with low self-esteem, or preferably both.

As for me, I would rather being shouted at by my upset partner, than being manipulated into believing everything is my fault by a coward with lots of anger buried inside.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

She Is Funny That Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKkaC8fO0hQ

Please contact me if you often find little kids making eyes or faces at you in the train or cafe. Seriously, I would like to find out what we have in common, sort of a social study. I really want to know how kids single us out. Do they instinctively know we are kids inside too? How do they find our darkest secret?

Honestly, I swear I never give them any encouragement. Living in a big city has all taught us to avoid any eye contact with strangers and stay invisible. But it happened again yesterday. I was sitting in the train minding my own business when I suddenly noticed a little boy with this huge cheeky smile playing peek-a-boo with me in his baby stroller.

Of course I had to smile back, although I really had to restrain myself from playing peek-a-boo back. So we just kept grinning at each other the whole time while sharing the train ride. Oh we had a lot of fun, as much as allowed in a crowded Yamanote train anyway.

But how did he know I would be game? How? And this kind of thing happens to me about once or twice a month.

For those of you who have never met me, I can assure you that I appear 100% human-like. I don’t go out wearing a big red nose either. Only sometimes at home really.

And trust me, I am not saying this to convince anyone of anything. Being regarded as a willing toy by kids (or men for that matter) is nothing to be proud of, as far as I am concerned. I am just genuinely bewildered.

So again please contact me if you have the same problem, and perhaps together we can find a way to help each other. Let's try harder to look normal.

Friday, November 18, 2011

You Keep Me Hanging On



According to Urban Dictionary, a cocktease is a girl who is flirtatious, although pretending it is only innocent behavior. She gets men to spend a lot of money for the prospect of sex, and when they are turned on and make the first move, she abruptly turns them down.

I confess I’ve been called that several times before, but I don’t feel the need to defend myself. It’s just funny that some men could be so single-minded.

Now imagine this:

Nancy: Wow this guy is so hot. His jeans are real tight. Uhhhh look at those muscles! And guess what, I just bought him a drink, and he kissed me! He even let me rub his shoulders!! I think I am going to faint!!!

Becky: He totally wants you, girl. Oh look, he is smiling at you now. Go for it!

Nancy: Hello again handsome, wanna go back to my place for coffee?

Tom: Ehhhh, sorry honey I can’t, my cat is sick.

Becky: I can’t believe he said no! Such a jerk! Leading you on all night like that and making you pay for his drink!

Nancy: Yah!

Granted, most guys will probably jump at the opportunity, but what if you just don’t feel like it that night? Are you going to have the “coffee” anyway just to defend your honor, or are you going to risk being called, what now??

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jX5bszW1smc&feature=related

I love food, and have always admired and enjoyed the Japanese food culture. But one thing I simply don't understand is why they display cute pics of animals with big soft eyes in the restaurant.

The other day I happened to be at a food festival and smelled something wonderful. But when I approached the stall and found this life-size cutout photo of Bambi standing there with its beautiful innocent Bambi eyes, I suddenly lost all appetite.

But when I looked around, I saw many Japanese happily chewing at pieces of Bambi, while eyeing the Bambi pic up and down, probably thinking, 'Yup, it's definitely cute enough to eat!'

It reminded me of this TV commercial I saw long time ago with 2 people dressed in black cow costumes dancing and singing, “We are delicious, so very delicious!” And they kept begging, “Please eat me eat me eat me!”

Apparently there is another TV commercial of BBQ sauce recently with the mother cow and 2 calves merrily eating BBQ beef. Brilliant, isn’t it?

It obviously doesn’t bother Japanese at all, and I wonder why, until a student told me the story about Anpanman, a famous cartoon character with a red-bean past bun for a head. It seems this character goes around and invites kids to take a bite out of his head. Hmmmm, no wonder Japanese are used to things like eating Bambi.

The funny thing is, in the States, California Raisins’ TV commercials actually make some children cry and refuse to eat any raisins. It’s time we exported Anpanman to toughen them up, don't you think?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AkLE4X-bbU

Why do women prefer bad boys? Do they really make our hearts beat faster? Do we all like to play with fire? Well I have to admit I was hopelessly attracted to bad boys before, especially a certain type, the worst kind actually, alpha males.

But alpha males are also bastards. They have to be ruthless and self-centered to reach where they are and to stay in command. They exude confidence and charm. Oh girls fall for them the minute they show any interest. Even men can’t seem to resist them. They are men’s men.

You can find many books teaching men how to become alpha males. Ironically, guys, if you are even contemplating buying one now, I tell you, you won't be able to make it, although you can probably fake it. But it's a good thing really, I can assure you, because alpha-males are the loneliest men in the world.

They will promise you everything at the beginning, because they will say and do anything just to get what they want. In fact, alpha males only focus on what they want and live their life on their terms. What other people think or feel means nothing to them. You are expected to make all the compromises, because they won’t.

And the cleverer ones will ask how are you, even if you are living together, because it’s the safest way to show they care. You see, they don’t want to ask the wrong person how’s her sick mother, do they? But anyway your answer is irrelevant. I suggest next time you tell them your mum just died and wait for them to say, “Oh so everything is OK then.”

They are usually multi-tasking when they are talking to you, not because they have to, but because they are too important to do one thing at a time, especially things like talking to you.

To remain dominant, they reassert their top-dog position through aggression and disregard for others, and sometimes they even stage fights just to show you who’s the boss. They seize every opportunity to pull rank. And they patronize and belittle you.

One thing they absolutely hate is to be told what to do, even if it's just in their imagination. Now if you are really bored one day, just start any sentence with "you should," and you don't even have to finish it, like "You should take an umbrella...(it might rain later.)" or " You should be able to sleep tonight...(it's not that hot anymore.)" Trust me, it's much more entertaining than watching fireworks.

When they unfortunately fall in love and thus feel vulnerable and insecure, they are fast to accuse and criticize. And if you are emotionally mature enough not to be provoked, they will verbally abuse you until you finally crack. But as soon as you lose control, they will suddenly calm down and ask why you are so irrational. They are the firm believers that the best defense is offense. So they make sure they always attack first and fast. 

And when things go wrong, they will blame it all on you, because we all know alpha males can never make mistakes. Sorry, it must have been you. Their favorite thing to say is “Why do you always cause problems?” But they are also the most difficult to break up with, because when they decide to be nice to you, they can produce miracles. And you live for those rare magical moments.

But you know what, alpha males are all Peter Pan deep down. They are always looking for their Wendy, since girls leave them one after another when the poor girls eventually grow up and get fed up.

Well I think I’ve finally learned my lesson too.