Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Gambler

In general I hate taking risks. I also hate confrontations and decision-making. So for me it’s always a torture when I have to decide whether or not to take the plunge into another relationship. But it’s even harder to decide when to fold.

The problem is the timing. When do we admit defeat? When do we decide there's nothing left to say and the best is to walk away for the last time and never look back ever again?

Many of us have the experience of an on/off relationship when we break up with the same person countless times, but always end up getting back together and then arrghhhh, another debacle of ending it all in tears.

How many times can we bear it? And not only us, it’s also unbearable for our poor friends. We leave half of them frustrated, and the other half fascinated. They never know what to say anymore, because the prince(ss) might suddenly turn into the rascal again, and vise versa.

One of my wise friends pointed out that it’s in our nature to hold onto what we value and cherish because people like us don’t fall easily. And once we do, we don’t let go easily. We simply can’t. We have no choice.

My first marriage ended after 7 years of me waiting for his family to accept me and allow us to live together openly. My second marriage last 10 years and during which I tried everything I could to come to terms with the fact that I was stuck with a cheating lying loser.

Another young ex-friend compared my having 2 divorces with killing 2 puppies, although the only thing I tried to kill is myself. Well, I hope he will never have to kill any puppies, but I suspect a puppy might kill him first anyway.

But the worst part is, I have this bad habit of analyzing everything, especially myself. So even when I finally decide to let go, I always have to ask myself about 1,000 times if I’ve given up too easily. And I also need to find the answer to why things didn’t work. I torture myself with all possible explanations, and then I turn around and torture my friends with the result of my analysis.

So thank you, my dear friends, for bearing with me (so far)!

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